Who’s at the Wheel?

Drivers, Life Scripts, and the Illusion of Control

Whose Voice Is That Inside You?

You leave the meeting table. Everyone has gone… yet you are still there.
Your body has moved on, but your mind hasn’t.

Your brain is stuck on repeat:
“I wish I had said that… Why did I say that thing? Did I talk too much, or stay too silent?”
Hours have passed, and you are still turning in that room.

Be Perfect Driver:
The meeting is over, but for you, it’s just beginning.
You scrutinize every word: “I could have done better.”
Life goes on outside. You are stuck.

At midnight, an email lands in your inbox.
You can say, “I’ll reply tomorrow”… but your fingers stick to the keyboard.
No one asked you to do it, but you cannot rest until you do.

Hurry Driver:
The email arrives at 11 PM.
Logic says, “Leave it for morning,” but another voice inside you insists:
“If you don’t do it now, something will go wrong.”

A project is in trouble, a teammate offers help:
“Shall I assist?”
You smile: “No, I can handle it.”

Be Strong Driver:
A storm rages inside, but you shut the door to the outside.
“I must not appear weak.”

You finish the report. Three sleepless nights.
But your mind has already jumped to the next task.

Be Perfect / Try Harder Drivers:
“Rest? You haven’t earned it yet.”

A colleague asks:
“Can you take a look at this?”
“Sure,” you say.

Pleaser Driver:
Saying “no” would have taken two seconds.
Yet again, you gave of yourself.

These are not random habits.
They are drivers.

Learned in childhood, they can lead you to success today, but when unnoticed, they drain you.

In coaching, the goal is not to silence them.
It’s to recognize them, name them, and take back the wheel.

So, which sentence made you pause and say, “That’s me”?

Kahler’s Observation: Patterns Triggered Under Stress

In the early 1970s, clinician and researcher Taibi Kahler closely observed his clients: their words, tone, body language, and reactions. Under stress and challenging circumstances, most people fell into distinct yet consistent patterns, as if an inner voice was telling them exactly what to do.

Kahler called these patterns drivers (Kahler & Capers, 1974). In Turkish, the term became “sürücüler.” It’s not a perfect translation—“driver” evokes someone at the wheel, implying control, which isn’t quite accurate. Perhaps “motivating forces” or “inner imperatives” would fit better, but we will use “drivers” in this article.

“Be perfect.” “Be strong.” “Please everyone.” “Try harder.” “Hurry.”

These messages are transmitted in early childhood, from the parent ego state—both verbally and non-verbally. Non-verbal cues penetrate deeply: the length of a hug, the tone of voice, praise when the child relaxes, disappointment when tension rises. A child cannot conceptually grasp this dynamic yet feels it and draws conclusions: “If I stay strong, they stay with me.” “If I do things perfectly, their eyes light up.” “When I say no, the atmosphere changes.”

No one explicitly says, “Don’t be weak.” But the child senses the effect when help is requested. No one says, “Hide your needs.” Yet when staying silent makes things easier, the lesson sinks in. What is learned becomes an inner voice, unquestioned, accepted as: “It’s always been this way.”

Power or Burden? The Two Faces of Drivers

Are drivers always bad? No.
Often, they are what keep you standing, a true source of strength.

The “Be Perfect” driver ensures attention to detail and quality work.
The “Be Strong” driver prevents collapse in crisis, becoming the team’s anchor.
The “Please Others” driver fosters empathy and trust in relationships.
The “Try Harder” driver allows persistence in complex problems.
The “Hurry” driver can be a productivity boost in the right context.

Critical distinction: choice vs. obligation.
– “I can do it, I choose to” → strength
– “I must do it, there is no other way” → burden

Transition often goes unnoticed.
The voice is the same, but now it drags you instead of carrying you.

The “Be Perfect” voice becomes an inner critic where nothing is ever enough.
The “Be Strong” voice demands suppressing needs.
The “Please Everyone” voice hides your boundaries.
The “Try Harder” voice turns every step into the next, with no satisfaction.
The “Hurry” voice prevents you from living the moment.

Maslach & Leiter’s Burnout Research (1997)

They identified three key components of burnout: emotional exhaustion, depersonalization (detachment from work and relationships), and the feeling of inefficacy. Combined, these create not a mood but a functional collapse.

Each driver is a survival adaptation to high demands. But combined with chronic stress, they slowly erode the system.

“Be Perfect” constantly active → nothing ever feels sufficient → feeds the inefficacy leg of burnout.
“Be Strong” suppresses needs → emotional exhaustion builds silently.
“Please Others” eliminates boundaries → energy constantly leaks out.
“Try Harder” postpones satisfaction → no sense of completion.
“Hurry” makes presence impossible → missed moments accumulate, increasing detachment.

Burnout often doesn’t appear suddenly.
Drivers work silently until the system can no longer sustain itself.

Meeting Room, Email, “Yes”

Returning to the scenes at the beginning:
Mental replay after meetings often bears the mark of “Be Perfect” or “Try Harder.”
Immediate email responses at night often reflect “Hurry” or “Be Strong.”
Difficulty saying no usually stems from “Please Others.”

This connection is critical.
Attempting to change behavior by saying “I won’t do this anymore” is rarely enough.
Underlying each driver is a belief: “What happens if I don’t do this?”

Drivers and Life Scripts: Repeating the Same Story

Life scripts are written early, through the eyes of a child trying to make sense of the world.
A single script, repeated over years, continues to unfold.

The script determines the direction: “This is how life works,” “This is who I am,” “This is how relationships end.”

Drivers lay the path for how to move in that direction.
They reinforce and validate each other.

Example: A person guided by “Be Strong” often carries the unconscious belief:
“If I show weakness, I’ll be abandoned, disrespected, or unloved.”
Asking for help feels risky. Showing emotions is dangerous.
When the driver activates, the script is confirmed: “Yes, this works.”
But the script is never questioned or tested.

Kahler (1975) described this as a process script.
Context may change—content, job, relationships, city—but the response remains the same.
Under the same stress, the same voice activates, the same corner is reached, the same door is knocked. The pattern repeats regardless of content.

What I Observe in Coaching

Drivers often remain invisible in coaching sessions.
They appear in word choice, tone, or hesitation.

Listening to language is key.
For example:
– “I tried” → does not say “I did” → shows Try Harder.
– “It went well, but…” → Be Perfect; nothing is ever complete.
– “I didn’t want to bother” → Please Others; expressing needs feels like a burden.
– “I’ll handle it” → Be Strong; asking for help coded as weakness.
– Rapid, sequential task switching → Hurry; even pausing feels like waste.

The main question for a coach: it’s not just what the client reports, but **how** they say it.

Ask yourself:
Does this inner voice serve me or drain me?
What do I gain and lose by listening to it?
What belief is driving it: “What happens if I don’t do this?”
What am I giving up to follow this voice?

Often, deep, old emotions from childhood underpin these drivers.
They made sense in that context, but the voice keeps speaking in adulthood.
The alarm rings for long-past dangers.

Now ask yourself:
What does your inner voice say under stress?
What is it telling you to do?
And what are you giving up by listening—what boundary, need, or “no”?

Whose voice does it resemble from your childhood?

With love,
Ozlem Sezer

Kahler, T. & Capers, H. (1974). The miniscript. Transactional Analysis Journal, 4(1), 26–42.
Kahler, T. (1975). Drivers: The key to the process script. Transactional Analysis Journal, 5(3), 280–284.
Maslach, C. & Leiter, M. P. (1997). The truth about burnout. Jossey-Bass.